Learning

If there's one thing I would say that it's at fault, it would be myself and not anyone and anywhere else. I am responsible for my spiritual food.

Just wanna say that HIS Church Malaysia is my home, and will always be. Now living in the states, find a new home then.

There was this one point of time of feeling weird and not inspired. That's where have to start getting the feet up again, doing things differently to see different results. Gosh I miss all the insights from pastor and leaders at home.

It's alright. Everything's a learning process. #comfortwords

Relationship with Jesus

Fear doesn't come from God. When there's fear, there's no faith. When there's faith, there's no fear.

Live by faith and not by sight. The eyes are short sighted. Those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but for those who live according to the spirit set their minds on the things of the spirit- which gives life and peace. The desire of the flesh belongs to the world and the richness of the world don't last.

God's plans are better. His ways are not my ways, thoughts not my thoughts. All things work for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. For this purpose, God has raised us up, that he might show his power in us, and that his name be proclaimed in all the earth. We don't worry about what we can or cannot accomplish, he will make sure his plans are carried out. God is greater than the heart. He is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, all these according to the power at work within us.

Again, trust God with all our hearts. Lean not on our human understanding. In all our ways, we acknowledge God and God will make our paths straight.

Praying should be like breathing. #pastorNickfromCommonChurch

21 already?

Shoot. Is Peter Pan here tonight at my window?

(Probably just the bus)

The days passed by so quickly.

The head is always so saturated with the zillion things to do, that I might have overlooked the beautiful things and people around me. I just wanna' be that better friend to all my friends. Homeworks can really turn me into a jerk for not hanging out with people.

Loose that by quitting this

....that chocolates are not really that helpful.

They are, but only a temporary stress relief and a permanent fat stored in my cheeks and tummy.

So for one to loose those chubby bunny cheeks, one must quit chocolates !

Chubby. Bunnie.

Okk, quit chocolates. No matter how inexpensive they are on sales.

*Went out to get inspiration for work and this is what I got pfft:)

Computers and Internets taking over the world

Before I came here, a man from I don't remember where he was from, but his life has been transformed by Christ, prophesied on me that I will be doing a lot of computer-related work. He didn't even know me. I don't even know where he comes from ! True enough, I am doing a lot of computer-related stuffs. I would very much appreciate if I could go by with just one day without facing the screen. That's why I appreciate reading books more than anything else right now. Facebook and Instagram are just increasing my screen usage. After all, one can not really know a person through facebook and all that social media. At least, not for me. Facebook is just for keeping connected with other musicians who are active on social media. That's why I had to update facebook and own an account. It's tiring to keep updating I HATE TO UPDATE BUT I HAVE TO. Other than that, I'd love to have one on one conversation with people about their lives and updates instead of fishing out information from the internet.

Awesome people out there

Tonight, I just want more friends. I wish I could have known more people so that we can become friends. To meet other inspiring people from different field besides music and arts. I wanna' meet business men and women, doctors, lawyers, politicians, dentists, teachers, accountants and many more to see what are they up to with their lives, how are they using their gifts like me and my musician brothers and sisters in Christ to serve God and how they walk their lives in faith, in love and in sincerity. Right now, I'm in the Berklee bubble. Wonder how can I get out of it sometimes just to have some air.

3 Full-Time semesters back to back. Maybe that's why. No wonder.

Yer... why like that one

Ugh. The art world is sometimes weird. Sorry about the title, wasn't thinking one that fits this. Stuffs that we learn in class can be quite peculiar and odd. I knew days like these would come. And often I'm afraid, because what we take in can very much influence what comes out from us too- in whatever form, writings, paintings, drawings, words, thinkings, etc.

For example, images are very powerful, especially for people like me whose learning language are through vision. The books that we were assigned to read, films that we watch, and pictures that were projected in class (but thank God our scoring projects aren't anywhere near to weirdness yet[for me], for now) will stay and sit on the brain for some time. It's not like there's a choice to pick, because it's part of the syllabus. It's not like learning Biology anymore- straight forwardness about frogs and how their lungs function. Often, arts have to do with the human imaginations and I really do not like how I'm supposed to internalize some of them so that I can do my homework.

Sometimes I doubt at the visions I have whether are they from God or not anymore because I might have mixed them up together somewhere, or not.

No matter how much I filter those images, and set my intentions right when I take them in (all for the sake of homework), I wish that all those artsy studies will go by real quickly. I just wanna' score music for motion pictures !

What's in the inside?

The intentions for doing something is no doubt one of the things in life that can either bring us a step closer to what God has set for us or the other way round- away from the good events He has reserved for us. Intentions of doing something can affect the roads we're traveling on. We have our own choices to choose from- Yes to God (even though I don't know what, where, when, who, and HOW??) or Nope I'm good, I can handle thiz myzelf... heh (and then cry).

What we do, feel, think and say, make sure our intentions are of noble ones, pure, holy (yes), purposeful, honoring and edifying to God and into building His Kingdom. This could be a catalyst for us into moving towards awesome plans of our lives from the creator HImself which He meant good for us to be successful, healthy, having that peace and joy in the midst of craziness going on, grateful, and all of those achievements in life because we are his children. We are not meant to live in a rut as goody-goody, poor and religious Christians because our God is too awesome for that. He's not a God in a box, nor the god who lives in a hut or having a roof over his head. He's an active God, alive one, and real.

Of course, if we ever make a mistake/ a BUNCH of mistakes leftrightcenterupdown because we are limited, but God is greater than the heart. I used to think that it may have slowed things down and the delay of time for me to hit that achievement-woohoo button.

                                  

Wait! Comee backkk !!

BUT (yes there's a but here) God is greater than the heart. He can route the whole thing again. I'm sure he has factored in and taken into consideration of all our mistakes and has mapped the plans out already. I don't know how he works but He works things out beyond my understanding and imagination and I can throw away my papers of strategies. (But I do show him what strategies I come out with, just in case it does click with him and I can feel a little smarter about it. Teehee.)

Actually, timing is one of the factors too. It may not be my time yet to ride on that boat. That boat may not be for me.

Also, intentions also reflects our hearts and who we really are.

Keep ourselves qualified for that race we're running

Jeff Bianchi's sermon from CFCF is pretty similar with that of HIS Church.
After listening to his sermons on podcast, it always encourages me to go on life as an alien here.

Yes, I do hate some things here. But if I'm placed here for a season for a reason, then I should not be complaining, as bad as I want to return home sometimes, or even move out of this city.

For the time being, leave the past. God is doing new things. Pastor Jeff quoted Isaiah 43:19 "Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

I AM- God says.

And he makes rivers in the desert? That's impossible. But He is the I Am.
When fear grips me so tightly, I would want to still trust in God about the future. I don't know the 'new things', but I know the I Am. And the I Am can do the impossible. What seems to be possible to us is something that we can achieve by our own ability. But we want more of God, we want the impossible possible. We want to see God's work in our lives, gasps at it and marvel at Him. We want miracles. We should be living in miracles all the time because our God is a God of miracles and healing, loving and sovereign, strong and powerful. Yes, these words ring the bell like a zillion times. As cliche as it sounds, but this is still the truth about him. He is old but never stale. As old as the hills. Yet, He is also always new and fresh. Old as in, He is faithful to his promises and words for us.

***
When feeling a little lame at our spiritual side, look for sources to elevate our spiritual side, that our lights in the lighthouse not be dimmed. Coming here is a challenge for me to be fed spiritually. At home, there was meat every Sunday. Now that I'm here, I've got to look out for my spiritual health and make an effort to encourage my spirit too, so that we can keep going on encouraging others as well. We don't want to have that lame vibe in us. So always make an effort to be better and keep ourselves qualified for this race.

***
More things to share but I'm hungry and I'm going to cook now.
Ugh. Malaysia. I love you too much that I need to let you go for awhile !!

Back to the Cold Place

Few things that actually I myself am amazed at myself. Yez, I'm definitely into politics. Whenever someone talks about it, I see myself jumping into the conversation and tuning into that frequency. Probably it came from my legalistic family and what Malaysia is going through and had gone through. And also from all the camps attended praying for our country. AND I was at it at the GE 13 when it all happened ! So how can I not feel it? Fascinated at how some can manipulate and how some are being manipulated. It's a skill.

Then, I found my favorite spot. After 20 years of life and this is what I was looking for. That special place being high up after a jump on a trampoline, in the middle of the air. That is where I find myself free from everything, knowing that when I get down, there is still something to catch me. That jump, it feels great to be free in the air. Skyzone in Miami had been a moment for me.

On a vacation, I'm definitely going for food, then scenery and things to do on second, then shopping at last.

Also, patience isn't a problem for me. But if it's really on my nerve on something, it ain't going to be pretty. Eheh, justsaying. That'll happen like what, 1 out of 10. And now, I just feel like giving that person a piece of me for real.

Not bad for the 7 months

Not the boyfie, not the anniversary, and definitely... not the baby.

So... you'll know that feeling when someone on the streets goes up to you and ask for directions and we go like :"Oh just take the right turn until you see CVS and (bla bla, black sheep have you any wool)". That feeling called 'Ooh I'm one of the residences here!' is slowly taking in its form.

Boston is pretty much like the place now, for those who lives in a certain area after a while got bonded with that place, familiar with how things go and when the time comes to move out, then there comes also the hard-to-let-it-go moment.

I don't know. It feels a little like... a place to stay for a while.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays!

An Honest Despair

Environment can really affect us.

When times like this happen, rise up, be encouraged and...
Well honestly, I really don't have a legit solution this time. To be an overcomer in this, I'll remain faithful to God, though I cannot see things, I will believe God, his words given to me, his truth, promises and the love he has for me and the rest of the people in this world. I will keep driving myself and be remindful with the things I do simply for the love of God and people. People will not love us as much as God loves us. They don't think of us every minute every hour, but God does.

When Jesus was in the world, I don't think He received back all the love from everyone He has for them. Yet, he still love and serve them, and do things like washing his disciples' feet. He didn't care so much about whether his friends love him enough or not. He knows who he is, his identity as the Son of God. And that the Father loves Him perfectly and that's just good enough, more than good. Nothing can change and affect the Father's love for Him and for us. Since we are adopted as sons and daughters in Heaven, God's kingdom, we should know this privilege, GREAT, SPECIAL AND ENORMOUS love, and identity.

I will live to love you. I will live to bring you praise. I will live a child in awe of you.

Numb

Finals week is simply... stressful.

I can't even.

Berrrrklee ! T.T

Where the Field is the mission

Today is a good day to take time off and write a life's timeline.

Well, at least until it reaches the age of 39.

Sometimes when applying for applications involving somebody giving $$, questions like "Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?" and "What are your dreams" bla bla.

Even if it's not for an application, it is also good to once in awhile think about stuffs and goals, and write them down on a blank paper. Afterward, show God, the boss, and involve Him in it. Gotta' make sure to leave some space for Him to make rooms of better adjustments.

All my heart's desires and dreams are on that piece of paper. They serve as a guideline so that the journey isn't aimless. Dreams and goals were writen down a few time as reminders. But timeline, I feel that it is more like a sturdy plan in long run, like an overview or master plan. One can sometimes get veh caught up with studies and work and other things. PLan all we want, God determines them.

Also, I really admire my friends who's mission field is missionary missionary. As blessings, we all have different callings in different places to touch and heal lives. It also makes sense that our characters, personalities and up bringings tally well with our callings, and that the work that we do, we're good at it and that it comes naturally to us. Before we make any decisions about life career and all, know first our natural abilities and interest in specific. Confirmations do come from God, if we ask. So, there's your mission field. :)

Giving Thanks

The word "thankful" can never describe enough really of how thankful, grateful and appreciative I am to the most wonderful One. He who took me by the hand to travel across the great wide oceans, all the way to a cold place called Boston in the United States.

Really? I'm actually living, breathing and surviving here for 6 months alreadyy!

The amount of friends, things and opportunities provided here from God are amazing. It is the quality, less of quantity. He shows me His love day by day through actions, as it is part of the love language I understand. Seeing Him at work- what He has given me, taught me and groomed me is an incredible part/moment of life for me now at this time, that when looking back one day, definitely, will thank Him over and over again. The only thing I'm worried sometimes is the plans that I make, that they might interfere His ones once in a while. And maybe my short-sightedness as well that bothers. 

Still feeling fascinated with all the experiences I have here.

Because of the past, I've always dreamt of meeting sincere and warm friends. And here they are :') God saw my tears and answered my prayers! :') Not only that, coming here alone alivee (yes, the exaggeration) without mama and papa and sister and bro is some major life event ever that happened to me, which is the beginning of that something great that I always believe. In due time. My storybook is slowly filling up by the awesome Author. I want to read yours too !

:D

God with his children, wherever they are called to be out in that field, for His kingdom work.

When things get difficult and scary for me in the music industry, and when worries and doubts creep in, this song becomes my encouragement that helps me to remember the big God I serve. It's a strong expression. And if our God is with us, then who can ever stop us. 

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

For Your sake, I will do it until the very last breath I have on earth. Because I love You so much that I gave up certain things just to follow You, and do what You want me to do. Your plans are better than mine, and they are meant good for me.

Okay, Hillsong Zion was here awhile ago, a few days ago and I missed it, omg they were so near to me in Boston and the tickets were sold out so quickly.

A Million of Things Going on in a Slow Down

It's thanksgiving tomorrow !

This week is a catching-breath one. Totally enjoying the slow down. I even watched a movie yesterday night- City of Ember (my 4th time watching it soo good !). Never practiced for my conducting because of the movie yet voluntarily went up in front of my class with that boldness to conduct. AHHHHH ! Now my teacher wants me to see him in his office hour, wanting to tidy things up and make me a better conductor! :D It's a good news.

A few days before thanksgiving, my mind is already very thankful that I'm in the states for half a year already! Super happy with Boston, Berklee, the friends I have and for the growth I had to where I am now. I am growing, so much, in terms of speaking up more, having my own thoughts, emotionally, and physically (yep, this is undeniable ! Sugar is everywhere in the American food.) Confession, I have Ben&Jerry's and Haagen Daaz almost every night.

The apartment where I'm staying, is clean and nice. Blasting my christian playlist as I was cleaning today. After tidying up, I am so down with a cup of hot chocolate. It feels like home :) My pastor is having an open house, I'll be making deep fried crispy wantons that goes along with his Mr.Turkey tomorrow.

Thank God for the imperfection in His perfection. In my weaknesses, He never leaves me alone to deal with it. He steadies my heart. The Lord also sees the heart and intention in every words, actions and deeds done.

#feelingenlightentoday Plus, it rained today, and the temperature went up. Love love loveeee the weather! That was why I went grocery shopping and had Bulgogi chapchae :D Your love is awesome, comforting and steady. I love love love loveee YOU God so much. I miss home and I don't miss home. Weird ahahah :) It's good to remember the beginning of God involved in our lives, and that why I'm here in the States for some reason that I now figured it out, trusting Him in so many ways, knowing that I'm in the process of doing something great very soon, at the appointed time. So is to all who loves God, all good things work for good for those who loves Him and He has our future secured in His hand.

I have never walked on water
Felt the waves beneath my feet but
At your Word Lord, I'll receive Your
Faith to walk on oceans deep

And I remember how You found me:
In that very same place
All my failing surely would've drowned me
But You made a way

You are my freedom
Jesus you're the reason
I'm kneeling again at Your throne
Where would I be without You
Here in my life, here in my life?

You have said that all the heavens
Sing for joy at one who finds
The way to freedom, truth of Jesus
Bought from death into His life

And I remember how You saw me:
Through the eyes of Your grace
And though the cost was Your beloved for me
Still you made a way!

How much is Too Much

This question has been going on for like the longest battle I've ever had inside my head.
When words used and actions made, I always think to myself inside- Are they for being kind and generous? Or am I just a people-pleaser.

Of cause the Bible says that we ought to be kind to one another; if a person slaps your right cheek let him slap your left too; and whatever not verses that we can look them up in the Bible. But how much is too much? To being a goodie goodie (yeah lame) christians or having someone else riding on our kindness and generosity? What is the balance between practicing the Christ-like love and being smart? The Bible also mentioned that we ought to be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves (Matthew 10:16).

Based on my experience with different kinds of people that have come across my life, I'd say, I'm good/I'm done with the number of people that have intersected in each other's paths. I never ask for more in my prayers to meet new people or friends, coz often, I think I might just get injured emotionally. Sometimes I even question myself or God why am I a fragile creature? Or am I just taking everything too personally. But you know what, every person are built/created to have emotions and feelings. That's because we have souls. Even God has feelings. And feelings need to be handled with care. We, in some point of time, need to take care of our own feelings as well. It is essential and necessary for a healthy being.

But then again, put others first ! Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Less of ourselves and all?

Absolutely.

Approach everyone with Christ-like love. Do good, bless them with what we have and with what we can give. In some cases, if prompted or convicted by the Holy Spirit to give something more than we can give, like having that feeling of tearing a part of ourselves and being stretched and challenged so much to give that $10 (for example), by all means, do it. It is God's purpose and plan.

But, there is also a point of time when we figure out that that fella, whom we have been giving generously, he or she has been taking and taking.. especially think to themselves that they actually deserve things from us and sucking the goodness out of us without the heart of actually being nice to us. Then, I personally think that it's time to stop being so (too) nice to that person. When we know that he can afford to have something on his own, then by all means, go get it or do it yourself, suckerr!

So what exactly is a people-pleaser? Having that guilt when I don't do something nice to somebody. Some would define this as, wanting the other person to return his kindness and generosity. Or, we don't want to antagonize a person, so we be the nice nice one. Yeah, in a way. As for me, I'll have that remorseful feeling if I did not give somebody something that I have. What a psychological problem. So I stop being very nice to them, to do someone else's chores, to make extra food for another, to do this, to give that, to share bla bla when I know that the person knows (omg the psycho line 'I know that he knows that she knows that i know' lol) that I just did an unspoken favour or help, and yet you never knew how to be the same kind and generous person back to the one who helped you do stuffs, or you pretended not to know. How unthoughtful and taking for granted on others. Thanks.

So how much is too much?

I'd say, be kind and generous to every person who come across you. Bless them.
But when we started to see what kind of person that is, who likes to suck the goodness out of us, who also think that they deserve stuffs from us and likes to just TAKE, that is the time to know our limits and start taking care of ourselves!

PS: Not that I hate meeting new people, it's just that sometimes having less of these kind of people would mean that I have lesser pain in my butt. By the way, musicians need to connect! That is networking, and that is different. It is business.

And I love my Anchor and Berklee friends. They are the most big hearted people I ever met. They are awesome.

Two Words

Malaysia

and

HISChurch.

Whom I dearly miss.
And without them, a part of me died.

Boston is a wonderful place. But nothing beats home.
Sometimes, it's the different wavelength that makes things uneasy.
Still searching for that one thing though.

Smart or not smart

In Malaysia, students are being labeled as 'SMART' or 'not so smart' kids, using public tests like UPSR, PMR and SPM examinations as the yardstick. Get as much As as you can. If you can't get straight As, you are not as smart as the ones with a string of As, that is standing right next to you in your class photo. If he can do it, why can't you? Oh, I see, you aren't as diligent as that smarty pants, or, simply you aren't as smart as that person lah !

Smartness does not revolve only in exams. I think it is important too to be clever in how well you are able to communicate with people, be relatable, able to connect with others through conversations, our thinking, lifestyle, and conduct, in actions, words, having that right attitude etc. All in all, able to carry ourselves well when face with people and difficult situation. I think that's what makes a person smart- how he comes out with a good solution and overcomes problem in real life situation, not so much on his studies. But in all things, they are supposed to be balanced as well.

Thankfully, the three of us didn't have problems in our studies. Just recently, my little bro had his chance of proving himself that he is smart enough (I always think that my little bro is smart, sometimes even smarter and wiser than me) to this Malaysian education society. He scored straight As (all 5 of them) in his first major public exam- UPSR. We the family saw how hard he worked day and night, buckling up himself with his malay language (it wasn't easy though that subject, it was tougher in his generation) and saw him cried many times because of the pressure his school teachers exerted on them - that same stupid crap mentality lah that we all the malaysian students get, that is 'if you don't get straight As, you have no bright future'. And that look someone gives you like "Hmm, maybe.. you should also reconsider yourself applying for med schools or not."

Anyway, that boy in blue uniform, is my bro. Derrick.

Alongside with his classmates who got that straight As thing.

(I promise will use a better word the next time, besides 'thing' haha)

He also prayed and asked God that he wanted to be a prefect in school,

so that people would respect him and not mess with him because

of his size. You know, school bullies. Oh the horror.

 But I think his heart is big.

And that's all that matters.

:)