Loose no hope

You didn't give up on me; You won't and You never will.
That's why I can have hope in You, even when there isn't left any place for me to believe.

I am going back to discipline tomorrow. Start by cleaning my room, cleaning the bathroom, keep the 3 baskets of clothes loaded in em (all these my sister can escape cz she'll be away in an AWESOME holiday in KK), start arranging the Christmas presentation song, and my cousin's wedding songs that is coming up really soon! Omgahhh.

Enough of going to bed and waking up in the morning feelin' crappy about myself and not doing something productive and just sulk all day.

I'm also gonna apply for MAS and Berklee's scholarship audition and admission that is so so coming up.

It's okay to try. Like for the MAS. Just submit it into God's loving hands. When there's a NO, it's a loving no from the Father who knows everything; what's going to happen, does it suit me or not.

I should learn the trade about music, since I'm called to do this. I shouldn't be looking to the left or right and be nossy about people's business; what are they doing, what are they getting and their fabulous pay. Just take my time. But but, I thought that I too should be doing something and blossom like an awesome flower in the field. It's just not the time, yet. My time will come. Just set my heart right with the loving Father and give my best in big things or little things I do, without loosing hope, even when things didn't turn out the way I want them to be.

Never ever loose your hope! Hope in Jesus. Only He can guarantee our future. Loosing hope is dangerous it can even take away your zeal.Without hope, a man's life becomes meaningless, it's like death inside the soul. It isn't pleasant. Really.

I wish

Getting stuck is a no no fun. Not cool. Now I know what it feels like to be an aimless person. Driving without a direction; staring into thin air; playing the piano without emotions; and eating without feeling full (okay not to that extreme hehe).

I wish to be like the little kids playing swing in the playground at 4:43pm. Remember the view you look up the sky while swinging? Awesome. I wish to be like the girl in sweat pants cycling in town, when she can actually choose to drive a car but she chose the other alternative. I also wish to understand how those two black birds on the field live so freely.

Close my eyes, every night, wishing that all my worries would go away when I open my eyes the next morning. But, things just don't work that way.

I wish this season would end soon. I'm afraid of loosing my zeal and hope at this young age. It shouldn't be this way. Maybe one would just encourage me and slap me on the head. Maybe I'm just so terrified of the truth that I just wouldn't wanna admit.

Live to Love

Oh, let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the South of France
let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters
and teach them how to dance
let's get rich and build our house on a mountain
making everybody look like ants
from way up there, you and I, you and I, you and I.

Ingrid Michaelson- You and I

I dream of a life like that- carefree enough not to worry about money and all.
Live to love!

Caught up in space and time

Honestly, I don't know what's next in life for me. I've come to a point where uncertainties covered my view and it's far beyond my imagination to imagine what is it like the future for me.

I finally completed my 2-year Berklee Transfer Programme in ICOM. Things that I've learned and grown so much throughout the times in college have taught me some valuable lessons to mature from a teenager to a young adult very soon. High school years wasn't a place for me to learn, I was comfortable with it. But to me, college is the playground for survivors.

That's when who you decide to become, which friends you decide to mix with, whom you decide to pledge your loyalty to- yourself, your friends, or God.

College years took me out from my comfortable shell. I was forced to dive into the deep ocean without knowing what's in it. But I survived! And it wasn't easy. So much confusion and frustration along the way. All these were necessary for me. Edges have been trimmed. So much has been groomed to be a young woman.

This time, I'm frank enough to tell everyone, including God; He's the centre of my life, that I'm tired. Running in miles after miles, a good break would help to refresh my mind, my thinking, my dreams, my ambitions and my passion.

So many decisions waiting to be decided. I feel like putting everything into halt for a moment and run away from decisions making. It's frustrating! Time is running so fast and it waits for nobody- not for the rich, not for the famous, not for the talented, not for the powerful, not for the poor, and not even for the cat that passes by my house door every day!

I don't have a conclusion tonight. Just wanting to let thoughts and insights float through space and eventually the good and right ones in sync with God's become a reality.

So Faithful

It's coming to an end soon. Tomorrow's my last pi exam. And then I'm officially done in ICOM. The 2 years spent in there felt like 4 years.

After tomorrow, I have lots of thinking to do. Christmas presentation, to audition for Berklee again or not, to choose which major, to go for the MAS interview or not, to practice more, to sign up for violin lessons and vocals, to clean my room, to this and to that and also to say goodbye to my friends; some who are leaving Malaysia for good to further study and some going back to their country.

But this morning, driving on the way to church for 8am practice, the morning sun and its golden rays glowed so beautifully in the sky. God's wonderful creation reminds me of so faithful of Him in my life. It doesn't matter how I feel today, He is loyal. His creation is such a nice sight to behold! Oh yes, I do focus on the road when I'm driving.

I was reminded of living for Christ. But I struggle with my own desires and ambitions.
I cannot lose hope. If I do lose hope, I've lost the battle. Christ is the victory. Hold on to Him. Everything I do, I should do it with joy, do it with excellence.

Somtimes, I'm impatient to see the results.

Who's who

An insecure person looks for confirmation and sometimes attention from others and later feel good about themselves.

As sons and daughters of our Father in Heaven, know your identity, know who you are, a royal priesthood and heirs in the Kingdom of God, God's beloved and you're fearfully and wonderfully made, you can rise above any challenges that come in your way.

The challenges may be so big, but you are bigger than the challenges because God is big. And He lives in you.

Skeptical

After the interview in Park Royal Hotel today, I met this guy today whom he introduced himself as the interviewer from Ifeel magazine. Actually, he was tailing me from behind 2nd floor to G floor, I was aware of him tho. So obviously I avoided him until he managed to stop me and make a short conversation. After googling it, apparently it's a chinese magazine from Astro or something like that. He took down my number and we exchanged contacts later.

I'm feeling skeptical about this.

1cm more!

Today's the most exciting day for me. I got up early at 7am and snoozed my alarm till 8.35am. Ehehe. Not so early anymore actually. I was all ready for my interview with SIA in Park Royal Hotel this morning.

Reached there, everyone looked so stunning and smokin' hot. Even the men! Tall and good looking ones were walking here and there. Every girls in the hotel dolled up nicely and put on their best working clothes. Me? Yeah, I put on my make up too and wore my best heels. Esther did some touch up for me. Thanks! :)

Lots of waiting to do this morning. I sat there, thinking, wow sheesh they are all so tall and pretty! Felt like chicken out this time. But I told myself, I've already made my effort to come all they way here, prepared all my documents (looks like my SPM results do still have its use until now) and am already well attired, my as well JUST...do.it. Trying to convince myself, I gulped.

When it comes to my group's turn, there were 9 of us in the room for the first round. We have a total of 4 rounds of interview if I'm not mistaken. Singapore has 6 rounds. So, we entered the room, and thank God my tension has been released earlier and I told myself JUST...do.it. And I wanna do my best. I really wanted this job so much! More than anything else right now.

During the interview, all sort of people you meet.

At the end of the interview, out of 9, only ONE was chosen and my heart sank down when the name was announced as "Wehy Yan Oi". Who the fella is that? Who's Yan Oi?? Who's surname is Wehy??! Everyone was looking around. It was me!! I looked at the form and I was really surprised. Then, a lady took me to the measurement room and my height was taken as 157cm. Whatt? My passport height is 158cm and that was taken 2 years ago. How did this happen? I'm very upset. Very Very upset. One moment I was in cloud 9, the next thing I know I was at the bottom of something something. (Sorry, Im too lazy to think of a good way to describe). Immediate rejection. Bummer. 

From today onwards I'm gona take milk and cheese, and mom's gonna boil me a special soup for me to grow taller. Together with prayer, I'm asking God to help me grow taller, 1cm...2cm...3cm... more! I'm not gonna stop right here. Do you know, the pay and satisfaction of being an air hostess is so much more than doing a professional job or being a musician? Maybe I'm just going thru' the emotions right now, but in logic, yes I'd rather be an air stewardess. Life as a musician is so hard. I can never get this kind of pay as a musician. However, my intention was to just work for 3 years and then back to my music degree. And during that 3 years, I just wanted to travel, get some inspiration, experience and exposure coz I'm very well protected at home, in school and all. I just want to leave home for awhile and do something spontaneous like this.

Anyway, I won't give up. I'm gonna grow a few more centimetres. Out of all these today, I've learnt much on confidence when you present yourself to others. Don't ask me what's my plan right now, I don't have.

Lord of The Rings - The Hobbit (Piano/Cello Cover) - ThePianoGuys

Listening to this on a rainy day :)
Check out his Peponi (Coldplay's Paradise) and One Republic/Beethoven's 5 Secrets rendition.

About to close soon

In a month's time, I might just close down this blog. And start a new one.
I've figured out that I should start and write something fresh and new next year.
Something more insightful and less ramblings around :P
I'll be hitting down the Twenty road next year.
When I read back my super antique blog posts, I couldn't help it at the stuffs that I wrote. My goodness (shakes head) :P
All the memories of being a youth; live, laugh, learn and love shall stay here.
I pretty conclude that my teenage years were brought up in a good environment, with protective parents around me, a good family role model to look up to, a cute little bro to play with, a church to serve and grow up with encouraging friends, and my high school years with all my studious friends- they were crazy bunch too. Good influence people. Everything was so good and nice. Too good and nice, as if I were living to close-to-perfection world. And sometimes I fear, shucks, I'm living in a so protected environment, how am I gonna survive in the real world out there? Especially when I'm gona go to the States soon, all alone, without my family. My family plays an important part in my life, like 90% of it.

But next year on wards, things are going to change. Here comes the line cliche, ready?? I'm gonna start a new chapter of life. Read it like a thousand times coz many have written this kan? That's why I don't like Twilight, because there too many people liked it and it becomes so commercialized. It's overrated, overused, has this overplayed songs Bella's Lullaby and all and it's just so exaggerating. Not that I haven't read the book before, but after one chapter during high school one of the free period, I felt like it's better for me to go back solving my Add Maths problems (that was how boring it was to me :P). Okay if my friend ever read this she might just skin me alive.
College years in Icom were a sneak preview of what's coming ahead, and I find that it's only 'mild'. Long story. But I got the exposure of what is might coming up to me. Scary. But J is in me, to tell me that I can TRUST somebadee to be with me.

I want my holiday. I want it so much like now! Just gota hang in there for another 2 more exams. One is the Ensemble for Pop and Rock, the other is my Piano.
So much in line to do and enjoy during my long break. Can't wait. So can't wait.

:)

Relaxing in Kuantan now. Waiting to go back to KL, actually to college on the way, practice and soundcheck till 9.30pm or 10pm. Exam's tomorrow!

My 10.11.12

Best thing ever : Nothing but a cuppa English tea and some newspapers on a Saturday morning.

PS: I'm wishing for a wishing star to make the days go faster to Thursday. I want my project to end n.o.w. but it looks like it's dreading me.

On Thursday, I'm gona hang out with my siblings and shop! And eat ice cream. And then off for a worship session with Jason Jo in church. Looking forward for Thursday! So looking forward.

I'm so never gonna major in arranging next time, especially for Horns.

Have Your grace in me to help me get done my project. I don't want it a 80% good from me. I want it a 100%.

Today's date looks cool. I wonder this time, how many couples are getting married today.
:P

My One

I don't care whether am I good enough for everyone or not.
But to Someone I care so much on His opinion, here I am, take me as an offering; here I am, giving every heartbeat, FOR YOUR GLORY.

Yes, for Your glory.
I only have one heart, and that is the most that I have in me to give.

Don't feel like

Playing the piano...

Sometimes I feel like playing, other times I'm just so done with it.
Why?
I wonder if it's okay to be this way.

When life gets overwhelming

A few of us decided to go on a spontaneous trip to Penang on Saturday. It was a good break for everyone, well at least I think it is for me :)

Yes yes, I'll upload the photos soon (that's what she said), not on blog, but on FB, when I have time, when I get the photos from my friends. Those guys have good phones and one with a DSLR Canon. The thing is, time passes in KL is always faster than anywhere else. All you KLians, I hope you're with me.

I'm really looking forward for my first long break ever soon, in a month's time. To be precise, my break will start in December. November is like the killer month where assignments, band practices, PI practice and get the band together, presentation (I hate talking in public) and also trying to juggle both church and self in one piece.

Time is the most selfish friend I've ever known! It doesn't wait for anyone. You have to plan well and take control of it. Otherwise, toooooo bad. When life seems to be running so fast, activities after activities and you don't have time to process all your thoughts after a long day, and life just goes on, I've figured out that that is the time where we all need to get away from work and the place where we normally be and go for a holiday.

I dislike being a workaholic. Honestly, there's not much of a point to just work all day and no play. Life is interesting if we just don't make work our main focus. Of course we do work too, and enjoy the fruit of our work. The Bible also tells us to work diligently, and God will bless the work of our hands. But if work is all that it is in life, life becomes meaningless. I want to build relationships with people around me; I want to encourage them; I want to write music that inspires the listeners; I want to be a good example to the next generation. In other words, live to serve others.

I also wanna go for trips with people I care and love. And be away from work once in a while to let my hair down.

Lots of thoughts that I still yet to process them. From work to friends, school projects to family's business and soon, I'll be reaching another cross road of deciding what I wanna do in my career. Okay, but lets not go there yet. I will cross the bridge when it's in front of me. Now, it is time to get my Arranging for Horns project started!

:)

On an Exploration

What makes a person laugh? What makes a person paint with so much inspiration? What makes a person bless another over lunch? What makes a person smile as a sign of respect to an elder as they happened to meet? What makes a person look up at the sky and be thankful for all that he has? What makes a person having a sense of security in his heart, knowing that the future does not bother him?

So, I've decided to do something worth the sacrifice, no matter how long it's going to take or how inconvenient it gets; I'm embarking on a journey of discovery; I'm digging deep into the HEART.

What is heart? What can it do? One thing I know about the heart is that it has the capability to manipulate intentions, desires, dreams, thoughts and the behavior of a person. The heart is influential. What we say, do, feel, think and act come from the inner core of our beings, that is the heart.

I want to know more about the heart. I want to know deep what is it to have a heart for Jesus, and a heart for people. Is it through desperate cries? Is it through something sacrificial- time, money, service, love etc. ? Is it through rejoicing in all circumstances? Is it having self-control over things around?

This discovery is for the best. It's for long term. Doing the right thing is not enough for me. I wanna put in my heart too when I do something. All these, especially in music. Combining these two can be a catalyst in God's kingdom work. Remember, God has a heart too :) Dad's study Bible has a list of key words behind and HEART is one of the MOST listed verses EVER! Okay, if this is what it takes for me and I know the answers are all found in the Bible, I'm gonna do it. After all, it is part of getting to know better about the Creator of HEARTS and I get to understand Him and the heart more.

May God's grace ( a lot of them ) be with me. I need them loads.

Once we know where the heart is, fire will lit up and we burn with passion in all we do.

For JC.