Overwhelmed!

okookokokokokkkkkkk! I have something exciting to write today :D

I was disturbed since last week. Restless, I would say. My shoulders were stiff, I was tired, and my church's invited pastor prayed for me. Yes, he prayed for healing for my stiff shoulders, good blood circulation, spirit of heaviness and fatigue to leave me. But I didn't tell him about my restlessness. Yet, he prayed that I need to cast all my anxiety to God and let Him take care of them because I alone cannot do it by my own strength.

***

Lying down on my bed that night, preparing to sleep, I prayed. I wasn't in a praying mood because I was still restless. My mind kept playing back events from school, my past and reminding me of things not done yet- all these nonsense made me restless. And then, God's peace just fell upon me! My heartbeat rate went down, I could feel warmth on my cheek. God just touched my heart.

***

In the train on my way back home today, tired. I laid my head against the wall and then "Pop!". God touched my heart again. "I want you to depend on me." The truth is, besides unsettled schoolworks and applying new techniques onto my piano, I was somewhat worried about relationship stuffs. What if I was too proud? What if my expectations are too high? What if I just missed out the right guy God has planned for me because of my ego? Or because I was too shy or too scared to get involved in a relationship? What if I 'price drop' too much? (Sorry, google translate gave me a VERY direct translation of 'tarik harga' hehe.)

"I want you to depend on me!"

God's answer gave me a clear guidance. I remembered praying to Him "God, if this is not the right person for me, please take away the feelings from each other, because I don't want to waste my time, effort and energy, or ride on an emotional roller-coster, and please let me know whether the outcome is godly in Your eyes." Also, I was put to test too that if I'm involved in the like-you cycle, I tend to depend on that person more than God. That's why God didn't want me to depend on that guy for spiritual growth, instead depend on God for that.

I guessed I'm just hungry and thirsty for God. After the church-spliting incident and the whole starting-out-a-new-church process, I was traumatized. Sometimes I just feel so fed up! Lots of effort needed to be put in to rebuild a church and yeah the devil is not gonna stop working messing things up.

First His peace, then His gentle instruction. I'm grateful and overwhelmed that God still cares and speaks to me just the very right timing even when I became neutral in my walk with Him. Well yeah, I boldly say that my God is real and He is in control of everything. Ok practice time, bye!